Start Again – April 24th 2017

A fair few times during your life will you have to make a decision, go for a path instead of the other…
A fair few times during your life will you wish you could go back in time and start again.

But if you were given the opportunity, would you actually take it? If anyone told you to go back to your high school years, would you change anything? If anyone offered you the chance to turn your awful teenage years into the wonderful life you’ve always dreamed of, would you do it?

I know I wouldn’t.

I’ve always wanted to be perfect-looking with clear blue eyes, light blonde hair, white smile, cute face, cute laugh and perfect body for a bikini in the summer. But I’m not.
Growing up, I liked eating. And I liked eating sweet things. I’m paying it today. No cute face, no perfect body, no bikini, no nothing.
I have a loud laugh, manly expressions, manly habits.
My eyes were blue but turned into that weird sea color that’s kinda blue and kinda green and kinda nobody actually knows.
My hair was long, then short and long again. It’s been dark, it’s been blonde, it’s been curly, it’s been straight, it’s been nice, it’s been messy…

I’ve always wanted to be the confident type. The kind of person that comes over to you in a night-club and kisses you for no reason because she’s drunk, you’re drunk and nobody will remember in the morning. The kind of girl that is not scared to tell the guy she likes that she actually does. But I’m not.
I’m not confident. I hide in my room at night and behind my computer screen during the day. I write songs, letters and poems instead of talking to people. I am friends with people who don’t live near me and refuse to meet new people.
I’m the introverted kind of person. The one you barely remember, the one you see during oral projects and she ends up in front of 30 people.

But at that very moment, when I start speaking for this project, when I start my presentation in English class about a movie I like or a person I look up to, I’m not shy or introverted anymore. I’m someone new, a character I invented to feel better.
I have been doing theater since I was 4 and that’s helped me a lot for creating new characters to show people.

But if I had the chance to go back in time, would I change that? Would I tell the 4-year old me to stay away from this stage? Would I tell myself to be self-confident? Would it actually change anything? Of course it would.
Would I trade this life I have now for another one?
Would 20-year old me be the same as 20-year old confident me?
Would I like her?
Where would I be?
Would I have the same friends? The same voice? The same phone number?
Would I have this blog?
Would I have the courage to create this YouTube channel I’ve been wanting to have for a few months?
Would I have my novel written and published already?

A fair few times during my life have I had the chance to change things and shake them up a bit. But I never had the courage to do it because I like the way things were ending up for me.

My dad told me this yesterday: “When you’re feeling good in what you’re doing, evn if you don’t like it, you don’t do anything to change it. But when you don’t have a choice anymore, that’s when you start thinking of a way you could have done things.” And that, my friends, is so true.
He always wanted to be an architect. Yet there he is, in Switzerland, working as an IT engineer. That’s not too bad, to be honest. But if he had taken the chance to start again, he could’ve been what he wanted: an architect.

That’s the thing with humans: we take things we are given and never try to change it. But when we don’t like it anymore, we start to think about what could have happened if we had asked for any other thing. Yet we didn’t. And we regret.

If I was given the chance to start again, I would go back to when I was 12, before I started high school.
I would work hard on being self-confident and I would achieve this goal I had back then: being an astrophysicist.
I would write a novel.
I would be brave enough to tell the person I like I actually like them (even if they don’t like me back and I make a fool of myself).
I would stop lying to people because I’m scared of what they might think of the real me.
I would stop making characters up to feel better about the lame person I really am.
And more importantly, I wouldn’t agree to everything I am told by people who have never been through what I have.

A fair few times during your life, you are given the chance to start it all again. But you don’t see it. And if you do, you don’t take it. You make mistakes, get lost and have regrets.
Embrace your mistakes, enjoy getting lost and have regrets. Because no great story started with “I knew what I was doing“.

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