Panic attacks (3) – March 10th 2017

Good evening lads! How are you all doing?

This new blog post will be about panic attacks. AGAIN. I know I’ve told a lot about that but I have so much more to tell you.
Panic attacks are a form of mental illness when it happens at least once a week, every damn week. When I read that 2 hours ago, I got scared. I f*cking freaked out. I’d love to tell my parents, but we kinda fought… AGAIN.

I’ll tell you a secret: having anxiety and panic attacks are so damn hard and so damn stressful. It sucks. Sometimes, you’re there, laying on your bed, FaceTiming your parents and telling them about excellent news you have… and bam.
A word, a sentence, a subject, anything. It makes your body feel weird, you struggle to breathe, you realize how important it actually is, you feel like your head is spinning, you want to fall though you’re already laid on your bed.
Your eyes shut, your body stops reacting to your brain and you feel like you’re going to die.
You get scared of everything: falling off your bed, drowning in it, dying, staying alive, not being able to breathe… you panic because of a panic attack. How ironic. You’re scared someone might come in your room and see you like this, you’re scared no one will ever see you again if you die, scared of not having anyone remembering you when you’re dead.

And then, 20 minutes, 45 minutes, 1 hour and a half later, it just stops. You’re still here, laying on your bed, your hair looking messy (kind of like after-sex hair), your eyes are puffy, your lips are swollen, your face is all red and round and scary and your whole body is numb. Your parents ended the FaceTime when they realized you were crying before they are “tired of hearing moan” and “are sick of you not taking responsibilities”… It feels wrong, doesn’t it? It looks like a shitty Joe Sugg FanFiction about this girl having issues, meeting Joe and having him change her life and making her happy and blablabla. Bullsh*t.

Have you ever felt like that?
Have you ever felt like whatever breathing exercice you do, relaxation tips you are give… it doesn’t work?
Have you ever felt like whatever you do to feel better like buying 120€ worth of make-up, going shopping, trying to be on a diet, creating an Instagram account… it doesn’t actually make you feel good? 
Have you ever felt invisible in your own family? In your own world? In your class?
Have you ever been so happy just because the guy sitting next to you in class saw you writing and asked you what it is about?
Have you ever been smiling just because the guy you like sees you when he walks in and says hey and sits next to you? 
Have you ever been crying in front of a shitty advert about cheese or whatever just because you found it cute?
Have you ever cried in front of a YouTube video where Marcus Butler reacts to “Try Not To Cry Challenge”?
Or where Joe Sugg sees Nala (his sister’s dog) for the first time? 

I’m sorry. Sorry for being like that, sorry for telling you about panic attacks all the f*cking time. Anyway, I love you,

C.G xxx

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